A LambdaConf 2015 talk. John has no clue what the next great functional programming language will be like, but he's more than happy to hop up on stage and rant against type classes, nominative typing, data, modules, pattern matching, recursion, and, well, basically everything else you associate with functional programming! John will argue that to make radical progress in cheaply building correct software, we need to take one step backward and two steps forward, embracing dependent-typing, total functions, Turing-complete compilers, host languages, and automated proof search. Attend this talk to question your assumptions about functional programming... or just to heckle! Either way, all are welcome.