On women in Technology, and how we have been solving the wrong problem all this while

Disclaimer : This blog is written is in my personal capacity. The opinions may not represent the perspectives of my employer. All mis-representations are my own.

I was recently working with a Sr. Leader who wanted to bring Women in Tech to his organisation. It was a very soulful conversation and we covered his understanding of what those nuances of challenges look like for a woman in Tech, and how we can make "this stretch" a more self-expressing, positive, enriching, and more purposeful.

It all started with a question when I asked him - “Tell me why is it that in your whole Tech Org, you have only 1 woman Architect, and no one even up further from there “ The point was not about the # of CV’s screened, or pipeline of candidatures, but about what we are doing/non-doing to enable a thriving experience for women. Not just as a company, but as a non-transactional part of their life. Along the way, a few situations materialised where he opened up to the possibility that our challenges could be different after-all, and we started peeling the layers of what pursuit of excellence means to a women. And in this post, I will try to articulate just that.

Every other month, I get invited for national/international WIT chapters (which I unapologetically decline) - because I think they are solving the wrong problem. Over the years, I have learnt to separate them from the lower, deeper tranches of why women’s drive for excellence is a totally different journey than a man. 

As a child, I remember seeing , “Mera Naam Joker“ , where the lead (male) protagonist goes through three very soulful relationships with women. At three critical junctures, as he is crossing that chasm of unconditional trust, belief and giving all of him to this other person, the symbolic gesture of which is giving a “joker” doll to this person. Only to return empty handed, as the doll is returned back to him . All he truly wanted in that relationship was to give, and not receive, and yet he is at a loss, about why would someone not want to receive something. That dis-orients him.

In my mind’s eye, this is what the drive for excellence means for a woman. A woman is a giving tree, plunging into work, drowning delightfully into it, stretching so much as if she had access the energy of the Cosmos , which is acting in her, through her. Not looking for physical validation from peers, or anyone , but fulfilment alone, and yet returning “empty handed”.

This "feeling of returning empty handed" is what creates the glass ceiling for her, not her own competence, intimidating Technology, or the support systems she has access to. As she grows in her career, her work-relationships become less and less soulful. In the process she almost becomes a man, largely rationale, quantitative, shelving her profoundly human self.

If only she knew that this human self was the seed of her fulfilment, that's always latent in her, one that she could activate anytime .

 While a man’s drive for excellence is about “Fortune”, a woman’s drive is about a “soulful fulfilment” - and it is incredibly hard to make someone fulfilled. It is why a woman feels disoriented in Technology, and other similar STEM sciences , because to her fulfilment is giving boundlessly, because that’s all she has known all her life.

Fulfilment is being so fully empty, that you start all over again - and feel almost a compelling drive to give your heart & soul into whatever it is you choose to be. A woman’s drive is much like the Samudra Manthan, which is one of well known episode’s in Hindu philosophy, where the trinity of Hindu Gods collude to extract the elixir of life. Extracting this elixir of life, is her true purpose, though often it only starts to emerge in her consciousness after she understands herself. Almost the only goal she truly aspires as bring excellence to her work.

Personally for me, that juncture was when I understood that I didn’t have to understand the people around me, or make myself understood, or heard. I just had to understand myself, because in that process, I understood life.

I reached a point where I became extremely self aware, so much so that I was willing to go through many uncomfortable parts I was discovering about myself, but accepting those parts, as also “me” - they made home in me, and a new part of me started to emerge, as if withering away the deeper seated parts, I no longer identified with. And this was the heart of my journey of transformation.

This self awareness is almost like a “ siren” in a woman, but it does not use sensuality to her advantage, but feels compulsively propelled by it.

For a woman everything starts with a Belong, and connect, knowing her own mental models, value systems and moral compass. With so much clarity that she’s willing to fight all the inner conflict that arises in her, for it. To her the drive of excellence is the Yoga of highest form, a Yoga that happens in real time, in her.

To be honest, making someone feel fulfilled is both incredibly hard, and incredibly easy. And it all starts with understanding of their true goals, most of which often she often can’t even articulate, to herself. A woman knows her place in the world, and even when she’s totally empty, she loves to give.

Don’t address the cursory questions on her ability to lead with children at home to take care of, errands to run in her multifaceted role. Let her give. Joyfully. Boundlessly.

Because in that fulfilment and drive for excellence - she is fully consumed by the Cosmos - and highest form of pursuit of greatness, that will alive in her work. 

Invest in her. Give her that pool of courage, that she can be fully empty, and yet fully fulfilled. So, solve for fulfilment.

“The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit.” —Nelson Henderson

Finally, leaving with a part of the poem I wrote on “arriving” as a self aware unapologetic woman leader.

"The Giving tree "



And then one day, 
It pours. And pours. And pours. 
Unapologetically, not knowing where to stop. 
The boundless love of rain. 
And the drop plunges into the ocean.
It wants not to live a contained life. 
The eye meets the I.
The waters will still be turbulent,
A turf she has never seen, 
Cold, dark, drowning, choking.
Unreasonably magnified, unnerving. 




But, at who it can be,
It's not a loss, it's the duality of life itself.
And nothing is lost on it. 
Being liberated. Those chapter resurrect into the giving fire. 
All the way - back to HIM.


                                         ---- (Ekta Grover) 
(PS : HIM refers to the Divine Cosmos )