Talk to me: The impact of REAL CONVERSATIONS

Time. Original thinking. Real Conversations. Aesthetics. These are the four dimensions that matter immensely when running any company.

I previously wrote about the importance of time and original thinking, and I plan to write about aesthetics later on. However, the most critical skill – or I dare say ‘superpower’ – is the ability to have REAL CONVERSATIONS.

This article will focus on conversations in a work context, but most of the observations and suggestions hold true for all parts of life. 

Why do I believe that real conversations are so important for the future of work? Over the years I have observed that the secret to running a complex organisation – where many people have to align behind a shared goal and have common understanding – lies in the right people coming together,  engaging in continuous dialogue, and having honest conversations. Get the right people in the room talking openly, and things always move forward.

So, how are good conversations structured?

Like a symphony, that usually consists of four movements, every good conversation has four distinct parts. Each of these parts is equally important and requires careful preparation – after all, it’s the only way to align, influence, guide and direct others. Preparation is even more critical when we want – or need – to change mindsets and move away from habitual patterns. I will share these four movements, and then talk a bit more about putting them into practice.

1st movement - Check-in and reconnect: It is vital to establish adult-to-adult rapport early on in any conversation, with the basic mindset of ‘I’m ok, you’re ok’. I call this meeting people at ‘eye level’. When you have a conversation, you want to be aware of the outside context going on in their life, and they should be understanding of what’s going on in your life. Don’t rush this step.

I find that asking simple questions such as “how’s life?” “what’s new?” “how are you on a scale from 1-10?” will build trust and help others open up. This step is useful in both group and one-to-one settings. This step can take some effort to achieve, but it is worthwhile as you’ll better understand where they’re coming from and how they’re feeling.

2nd movement - explore possibilities: The second part of any conversation is very generous listening. To really understand a person’s point of view, take Stephen Covey’s advice to “first seek to understand, then seek to be understood”. Very rarely is one person 100% right or wrong. To hear good ideas, you need the other party to feel they are being heard. They will be much more open. 

An honest conversation requires honest answers. The status quo isn’t necessarily sacrosanct – silent consensus is not constructive and could be a fear of appearing insensitive or politically incorrect. There are three perceived walls that need to be broken down to have an open conversation:

1.    dissent doesn’t mean disloyalty – you are allowed to disagree

2.    criticism of an idea is not a criticism of an individual

3.    disagreeing with the consensus does not mean you are not a team player

If you have an adult-to-adult conversation, then both parties will be open to new ideas and challenge both sides of the thinking. By listening generously and considering other viewpoints and perspectives, you will collectively come up with something better than the ingoing positions of both parties.

3rd movement - get specific: Getting specific is the point in the conversation when all the previous thinking and perspectives come together to achieve a better solution for the topic being discussed. The key questions to ask at this stage are “what does it actually mean?” and “how does it work in practice?” Specifics matter. Details matter. 

In the workplace, too often, we get lost in generic ideas that are camouflaged in corporate speak. Everyone in the room pretends to understand what is being said, but usually each person has a different understanding! Never be afraid to ask for clarity and dig deeper. Explain how you’re holding the mental images in your head and see if others agree.

4th movement - align on the way forward: The last ingredient is that when people leave the room, every participant should be crystal clear on what their role is following the outcome of the conversation. Some might call this the moment of action. If this does not happen, there can be a general sense of demotivation, concern and failure. But, if we master any conversation with the clarity of what is ahead, people will be energised and have a purpose – otherwise, it feels like a waste of time.

So, how can you put these four movements into practice? I find the most powerful way is in dialogue sessions. This is for me the critical tool of any leader.

A primary task of all leaders is what I call ‘providing what’s missing’. If someone is feeling down, let them be heard and sympathise with what they’re going through. If someone is underperforming, provide them with motivation and a boost to step up. If someone is lost, provide direction. If someone is stressed, help them figure out how they can rebalance their demands. If everything is smooth, do nothing! If you’re a leader, each member of your team will need something different out of each conversation, and your job is to figure it out and provide what’s missing. It’s a simple as that – just common sense.

I want to leave you with a final thought. People talk about changing the world, creating world peace and curing world hunger, while ironically, not looking after the people around them.  The only way to change the world is one quality conversation at a time.

Finally, I challenge you to pause and consider what the most important conversation you will have  this week is, and commit to careful preparation. You might surprise yourself with the results. :)