How to Survive the First Few Months of a Breakup/Divorce.

The ending of relationship is incredibly painful; it can leave you feeling devastated and abandoned. You might for the first month be in “survival mode.” I want you to know that is normal and expected given that your life has been ripped apart. It is common for people to give the advice to stay busy and “move on.” This might be helpful for some people, just pay attention to if it is a way to avoid your feelings and grief. Adopting this mentality can completely deprive yourself of grieving and healing well. Some people run, repress, and avoid the pain and may not even realize they are doing it. It is natural to want to self protect. However, you can embrace and work through the pain now or you can repress, run, deny, and avoid the grief. The unresolved pain can live in your body and mind, and it can become the “invisible force” that will influence all future love relationships. It will show up in different ways such as a repeated pattern in your relationship, same issues coming up again, and/or unmet needs.

According to Amir Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller, in the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can Help you find and Keep Love when a relationship ends, it’s like our “attachment system gets hijacked.” It is important to give yourself self compassion for a significant loss of relationship. Interestingly, Levine & Heller discuss that during this time you might experience overpowering positive memories and yearning for this person, while dismissing the negative memories which reinforces the attachment connection. You might also be experiencing a roller-coaster of different emotions and not feeling yourself. There are countless losses and it can destabilize your whole world. We want to try to find the anchors to get you through this; the ending of a relationship can be incredibly traumatic. It may even trigger unhealed relationship wounds from the past which can deepen the unbearable pain. Here are my tips for surviving the first few months of a breakup.

1.     Reconnect with support network: When we lose a significant relationship, we can lose a huge source of our connection, and day to day interactions. Find other ways to receive your social connection. During a relationship sometimes you could have lost connections or spend less time with family and friends so start to reconnect again.

2.     Identify your needs and find ways to get them met: This is essential in order get through a breakup. Perhaps, affection was a significant part in your relationship, it is seeking out other ways to receive affection for example) getting a massage for touch or getting a hug from a loved one. I know it is not the same. However, we want to try to match the missing needs that your relationship no longer gives you. This will help to stabilize your attachment system.

3.     Seek out Counselling: This can be an incredible way to get support to help work through the grief process and do the deeper work. This can assist you with identifying and breaking patterns in relationships and develop coping skills to manage the pain.

4.     Establish boundaries: Minimizing any connection and contact after a break. This might be difficult to do if you share kids and pets together. Levine & Heller (2011) state there are powerful neurotransmitters that contribute to the bond you once had with your partner and you body needs time to detach. Giving your body the time to adjust is important. For some people, it might be too overwhelming to completely break off all contact. However, this might prolong the loss and add to the heartbreak. Be honest with yourself on these reasons you are keeping contact. This can help to provide you with valuable information on what kind of boundaries to set. The key here is established boundaries so that you do not fall back into the same relationship patterns with your ex partner. Also, respecting your ex partner’s boundaries is important too. It can be difficult to accept that the person that you once looked for support and care is not available to you emotionally or physically.

5.     Feel and Release emotions: The key here is balance. You still must be able to function, but you want to allow yourself time to experience the grief. How much time you spend grieving will depend on your comfort level. You might cry, talk, use physical exercise to release the emotions in a way that is safest for you.

6.     Coping skills: Find ways to cope with grief and loss. Being honest with yourself if you are relaying on things to cope that are not healthiest for you for example, turning to alcohol, staying incredibly busy, binge eating. binge watching, casual sex etc. Engaging in any of these activities is not necessarily unhealthy. The key is to recognize if this is your primary way of coping, then it might need to be addressed.

7.     Rediscover what you enjoy doing: Sometimes we can stop doing things that we enjoyed before our partner, or perhaps there is something you always wanted to do and did not get around to doing. This is the time to engage in activities that make you feel good.

After some time, you might be settling into a new routine, moving towards acceptance, and detaching from your old life with this person. The most powerful time to receive true healing and transformation from a relationship is after the “survival mode” has subsided. There may be a temptation to say “I just want to move on and not think about this anymore” I can understand not wanting to put the energy into shedding any more tears or investing any more time into a “failed relationship” We can feel resentment and feel the unfairness that we have to work through the process of grief. Remember the grieving process is not for them- it is for you. It is your pain to heal. Healing from a breakup is multi-layered and it is a process. The deeper you go with your healing and working through the breakup, then it will create and allow for a healthier foundation for yourself in future relationships. Reach out and take steps now to heal.

Amir Levine. & Rachel S.F. Heller (2011). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can Help you Find and Keep Love. Penguin Group