Are you a career woman thinking of having kids at some point? Why, how, and when to have ‘the conversation’ with your partner about your future plans.

If you’re in a settled, stable relationship at the moment, the chances are you might already have thought about having kids as part of your future with your partner. Maybe you haven’t yet had ‘the conversation’ with your partner about having children and whether you are on the same page in terms of wanting them or when you might want them, or perhaps you have both openly acknowledged that you’d like to be parents one day. Whichever the case, if you’re currently fulfilled by your working life and ambitious for your future career, discussing well in advance how having a family might work for you as a working couple will be vital to your success in working parenthood.

But isn’t it too soon? Surely you can cross that bridge when you come to it and parenthood will slip into a natural balance for you both?

I thought the same before my first son was born. Although my wonderful husband Paul and I knew we both wanted children, we never once discussed how parenting would work for us as a couple, or how it would fit in with our equally demanding jobs and impact our careers. After returning to work 6 months in, and trying to resume my stressful full-time job whilst continuing to carry out the lion’s share of the parenting duties – drop-offs and pick-ups from nursery, feeding, bathing, bedtimes, sleepless nights and household management, it became clear that there was no natural ‘balance’. Although I was also now working, I had fallen into the default parenting role and was becoming exhausted and miserable, fighting (and losing) daily battles on both work and home fronts.

At the same time, Paul, famously (because I have told everyone – he doesn’t mind, honest!) looked into my swollen, sleep-deprived eyes and declared ‘Everyone makes such a fuss about your life being over when you have a baby. My life has hardly changed at all’ !! Three more children and some yelling later, a lot has changed (for him as well as me!) and we have found a place of equilibrium for both our working and parenting lives. But it has come after a long period of working out a balance, and only after irreparable damage was done to my former legal career. This could have been avoided if we’d had ‘the conversation’ and discussed how best to share working and parenting roles before we started a family.

Raising kids isn’t easy full-stop and trying to do it whilst sustaining a demanding career is even more of a challenge. (See my blog on the 5 pitfalls of working motherhood here). Having three times as much work to do in less time and on less sleep creates acute tension and the likelihood that one parent will be bearing more of the burden and making more of the sacrifices than the other. Over time this can cause unbearable pressure, burn-out, and derail your relationship, your career.. or both.

So, learn from my mistakes. Now is not too soon. Have that conversation with your partner. Being proactive like this is a great way of making sure your relationship will be in a strong position to withstand external pressures and ensuring that there is clarity about both your expectations for your future together as working parents.

Here’s how to go about it:

1. Pick the right time to have the conversation. Choose a weekend or a holiday when you are unhurried and relaxed rather than late in the evening or when you’re tired after a long day in the office.
2. Pick the right place. It may seem easier to have it at home, but this is a conversation best had when you can focus on each other with no distractions and no clutter!
3. Give some warning – don’t spring the conversation on your partner by surprise and make them feel defensive! It would be better to give them advance notice that it’s something important that’s on your mind and you’d like to find time to discuss together.
4. Be clear about your intentions. The aim of the conversation is not to get a sworn statement from your partner, signed in blood, about how many nappies they will change or night-time feeds they’ll get up for. The aim is to a) be clear that you both want the same thing (ie. kids) and b) to give you an opportunity to express the things that are most important to each of you in that regard – the obvious example being that you want to maintain your career.
5. Know the key issues. The same old issues come up between couples almost all the time. Make sure your talk addresses these: parental leave, childcare preferences, parenting style, housework responsibilities, home admin, me time, babysitting and money.
6. Start by listening. Tempting though it may seem to jump in with your own thoughts and ideas of what you want and how you want things to work, try to hold off and let your partner talk first. Ask them their views, and then listen to the answer.
7. Continue by sharing – note I said sharing, not telling! Share what’s important to you – equal respect for your career as well as theirs, for example, and any concerns you have about how those things can be honoured.
8. Flag any issues for follow up. This doesn’t have to be the only conversation you ever have with your partner before you have kids. It’s quite likely that issues will come up, or potential points of conflict may arise. This is good. You want to know these now, pre-kids, when you have the time and energy and resources to resolve them. If issues do occur, flag them for discussion later, and put a date night in the diary a month or 2 down the line (when you’ve both had time to reflect) to revisit the problem areas. The conversation should be a work in progress – make sure you give it enough time to work out all your issues to both your satisfaction.

Having the conversation with your partner about your future together as working parents is an important part of preparing yourself and ultimately babyproofing your career. Further advice on readying your relationship for working parenthood is provided in the new Babyproof Your Career online course, along with lessons, exercises, and group and tutor support. Register your interest in the course here – and in the meantime, good luck with that chat!