WHY REAL CHANGE REMAINS ELUSIVE

by Shred Shreedhar

If individuals possessed the ability to transform solely based on external suggestions, our world would undoubtedly be in a better state. Yet, the reality is far more complex. Throughout my life, countless people have shared their perspectives on how I should alter my behaviour, often relying on principles rooted in centuries-old traditions. These suggestions, while well-meaning, often failed to account for the nuances of contemporary life and the individuality of human experiences. Recognising this, I chose to navigate change through approaches better suited to the present, taking into account my unique circumstances.

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF CHANGE: DESIRE AND READINESS

One crucial lesson I’ve learned is that change does not occur simply because it is suggested. Instead, it unfolds when individuals genuinely desire transformation and understand its necessity in achieving something meaningful. This aligns with the concept of readiness for change, a state in which individuals are mentally and emotionally prepared to take steps toward transformation. Without this readiness, even the most compelling advice will fall on deaf ears.

I committed myself to becoming a better listener, striving to understand the needs of others and evaluate whether my insights could aid them. However, this journey was fraught with challenges. Human nature often inclines us to interject with our own perspectives, offering solutions before fully understanding another's situation. This tendency is tied to egocentric bias, where we interpret others' struggles through the lens of our own experiences, inadvertently making our advice less applicable to their reality.

THE EMOTIONAL COST OF LISTENING

Over time, I began to recognise the profound exhaustion that followed these interactions. Listening to others' struggles can be emotionally taxing, especially when it becomes evident that some individuals are not seeking solutions but validation. This is co-rumination, a process where people repeatedly discuss their problems without moving toward resolution. While it may provide temporary emotional relief, it often perpetuates the problem and drains the listener's energy.

I observed that many individuals seemed to wear their suffering as a badge of identity, deriving a sense of heroism from their struggles. This phenomenon, sometimes referred to as victimhood mentality, occurs when people derive a sense of worth or attention from their difficulties, often resisting efforts to inspire change. These interactions left me depleted, as I realised that change was unlikely unless they genuinely desired it.

BALANCING EMPATHY WITH BOUNDARIES

When dealing with loved ones, our empathy naturally compels us to help, often without being asked. Reflecting on my past interactions, I’ve come to understand that unsolicited advice rarely leads to change. People often cling to familiar yet ineffective strategies, a phenomenon explained by cognitive dissonance. This discomfort arises when individuals recognise that their actions are counterproductive but struggle to abandon them due to emotional attachment or fear of failure.

Through these experiences, I learned the value of silence and discretion. I discovered that I could choose whether to engage in others’ emotional burdens or politely decline. By establishing boundaries, I preserved my energy and allowed others to confront their struggles independently—a necessary step for meaningful growth.

THE PARADOX OF ABUNDANT ADVICE

In today’s digital age, we are inundated with advice in various forms—social media reels, influencer discussions, motivational quotes—all promising transformative results. While some may find these resources helpful, many are overwhelmed by the sheer volume of suggestions, leading to decision fatigue. When faced with too many choices, individuals often become paralysed, unsure of where to begin or whether change is even possible.

I recall a time when I longed for guidance and sought solace in books, walking miles to a library in search of answers. The current generation is fortunate to have such resources at their fingertips, yet this abundance may dilute their impact. Despite the wealth of advice available, significant change often remains elusive.

THE INTERNAL PATH TO TRANSFORMATION

So why does change remain so difficult? Perhaps it’s because the most profound transformations do not stem from external suggestions but from within. Theories of self-determination emphasise the importance of autonomy, competence, and relatedness in fostering intrinsic motivation for change. True growth arises from solutions that evolve organically, shaped by our unique circumstances, environments, and struggles.

Ultimately, the journey toward change is deeply personal. While external advice can provide guidance, the most enduring lessons are those we uncover through our own experiences. Change, then, is not a destination handed to us by others—it is a path we carve for ourselves, one step at a time.

THE END