Why do narcissists choose empaths? Understanding the psychology and the process.

Right from our childhood, based on our interactions with the people around us, our own family and those beyond, we recognise one important aspect about human beings - that we are wired to survive and thrive through our relationships. One half of these connections are the ones we inherit by virtue of our birth, basically our family and the extended relatives. But on another half are those relationships we build as we navigate the world around us. This half comprises of our friendships and romantic relationships. And it is in this space that some of us get trapped by a specific group of toxic and abusive people called 'the narcissists'. This is not to say that our family of origin itself cannot be narcissistic. In fact, many people are born into narcissistic family cults which unfortunately sets them up to attract more narcissistic relationships in the future. For the purpose of this article however, I will be focusing on that specific relationship which is formed by two adults between themselves when they choose to spend the rest of their life together and even build a new family if they are willing to.

The focus therefore is on adult romantic relationships which include marriages, live in relationships, long distance dating etc.

The first word that comes to our mind when there is any conversation on a romantic relationship is 'love' as this emotion forms the foundation of every stable, successful and long term relationship. However, when it comes to a certain percentage of people around us called 'narcissists', the word that best describes their attitude towards a relationship is 'control'. As inherently insecure people with a massive sense of entitlement, who do not believe in taking responsibility for their actions, particularly when they hurt others, narcissists are almost always drawn to a section called 'the empaths'.

Both represent two opposite ends of the spectrum, precisely also the reason why they attract each other. While narcissists are the eternal takers who only focus on deriving emotional supply from their spouse or partners because of which they create intense drama by lying, gaslighting, devaluing, cheating, controlling and exploiting their partners, empaths on the other hand are the eternal givers who believe in nourishing and nurturing the life of the person they love apart from their other relationships. Hence, empaths tend to be honest, trustworthy, loyal, compassionate and devoted to their partners.

The reason behind their mutual attraction therefore lies in their respective traits -

1. Narcissists appear gentle, polite, charming and confident on the surface during the initial stages, making the empath feel loved and appreciated thereby earning the latter's trust. The empaths on the other hand because of their kindness, loyalty and forgiving nature boost the narcissist's need for attention, appreciation and admiration, which explains their mutual attraction.
2. Narcissists generally paint the picture of a confident, intelligent and kind person with a number of invisible emotional and psychological wounds created by an unhealthy childhood and toxic relationships. Though there may be a degree of truth in the narcissist's narrative, they often hide their own devious intentions to create the image of 'an wounded or misunderstood angel'. This immediately attracts the empath who feels drawn to helping, supporting, guiding and fixing others.
3. Narcissists do not believe in course correction and self improvement because they lack the ability to look inside and introspect. Empaths on the other hand have a strong conscience and believe in forgiveness and giving innumerable 'second chances' to the other person to rectify their mistakes and grow. This naturally keeps the empath entangled in the narcissist's web while the latter enjoys to pull the strings like a puppeteer.
4. Narcissists seek to control and dominate even if this implies hurting and belittling the other person. Empaths on the other hand have a high tolerance for pain because of which they try to keep the relationship alive and stable even though they are being devalued and disrespected. Actually empaths believe that things will eventually change if they keep trying with the right intention.

These are some of the strongest reasons why an empath appeals to a narcissist and vice versa. This is however not to say that the empath is doomed to suffer for an eternity. An empath can take charge and change the narrative the moment she recognises the pattern of narcissistic abuse and how she is only being treated as a puppet by the narcissist so that he can live life his way without being accountable for his actions. Once she realises that her trust and love have been abused and she begins walking on the path of healing to eliminate her own weaknesses and no longer allow the narcissist to abuse her kindness, the empath can become a super empath who easily reads the intention of every narcissist and toxic person in order to defeat them in their own game without stooping to their levels.

In short, it is their intent and attitude towards a relationship that attracts both the narcissists and the empaths towards each other. While one feels entitled to dominate and demand respect, the other feels drawn to healing a wounded soul.

If you are an empath and if you have seen such patterns in your life, it is time to heal your own trauma and recognise your value so that you share your kindness only with those who respect you for who you are. And if you are a narcissist or if you recognise similar narcissistic traits in you then you have nothing to be ashamed about so long you are willing to own your mistakes and heal to avoid repeating these patterns.