When 'sorry' never comes...

I am very, very human. I make mistakes. I get things wrong. I have had some 'what were you thinking' moments in life, just like you have, where I've been selfish, indulgent or plain thoughtless. Those 'moments' have, no doubt, impacted on others. I feel absolute shame if I hurt another human, unwittingly. I know when I have strayed from my values and I work hard to bring myself back. With harm comes responsibility, right? I am imperfect. I have been hostage, I'm sure, to frequent amygdala hijacks. But I see it and when I see it, I know it is all mine to fix and make right. But what about when 'sorry' never comes? In our country, only 13% of sexual assault cases bring about a conviction. When we consider what we put victims through in a courtroom, it is little wonder so many victims are fearful of reporting what has happened to them. This is an absolute travesty. Injustice upon injustice. I could fill a hundred pages on this topic (and I will...give me time) but today I need to write about when 'sorry' never comes and justice is never served. Can you imagine?

My research has me exploring the re-victimisation of sexual assault victims of workplaces, through organisations failing to provide a robust, procedurally fair investigation process, failing to provide adequate support and care to the victim post-reporting and the impact on the victim of the unhelpful narratives of those within a workplace community as they engage in victim-shaming and blaming. More recently, I have been interviewing women who have survived these repugnant physical and psychological sexual assaults to try to come to understand the impact on them of never experiencing justice. Can you imagine? This can take, as we know, many forms. The injustice of a lack of rigorous investigation when this kind of harm has occurred in a workplace. The injustice of being character assassinated both inside and outside of a courtroom as a result of reporting your crime. The injustice of the courtroom experience itself. Finally, the quake-like injustice if justice is not served. Can you imagine?

Bare with me, will you? Let's engage in a little perspective-taking. I need you to be brave and walk in to the shoes of a victim of such circumstances. The shoes will not feel pleasant to wear (read as: glass digging in to your skin as you run one hundred miles) but perspective-taking is how we learn, how we begin to show empathy and compassion and how we make the world a better place. Can you imagine, being harmed in this way and never, ever hearing 'sorry'? Not only that, can you imagine no one caring enough to conduct an investigation? Can you imagine? Can you imagine your physical and psychological injuries being talked about by others as though this was something you deserved or brought upon yourself? Can you imagine? And then sorry never comes. No accountability. No one makes it right. No acknowledgement of the harm. The monster gets to walk amongst us again. Can you imagine?

Now I'm no Pollyanna. I know the world is not a fair place. I know that there are many injustices in the world. Bad, bad people get away with bad, bad 'stuff'. It happens every day. I know. My belief is that things will never improve if we don't challenge 'ways of working', challenge unhelpful fixed mindsets and demand more of archaic systems that have not served us well for a long, long time. All I know is that people-centric policy and processes need to dominate. We are failing in our 'humaning'. These women! These women! If you sat with them as I have, if you listened to them, as I have, if you have walked in their shoes.....you might begin to understand why victims don't necessarily scream when this happens to them...their voice fails them....they don't always run.... their legs fail them....they go back to their abuser as they have been gaslighted to believe they are unworthy....they don't always report their assaults immediately if they fear retribution and bias....it takes incredible courage in the face of ridicule, condemnation and judgement to find their voice, knowing that an all new 'battering' by 'others' is likely as a result of reporting the crime. Society expends much energy in condemnation and judgement of victims of sexual assault. With a poor 13% conviction rate of sexual assault in our country, I'd be more worried about the predators who continue to walk amongst us, freed from the revolving door of our courtrooms. They post more threat to us than a victim finding their voice.

These brave, warrior wahine must find a way, without 'a sorry', often without justice occurring, to continue to put one foot in front of the other. To care for their children. To work. To trust people again. To seek therapy. To somehow keep the darkness at bay. To somehow live again. Can you imagine?

#wecanworkdifferentlyifwechooseto