What's Your Elephant?

What's Your Elephant?

My wife is learning to swim at 45 years old and watching her is inspiring me with the simplest, and maybe even the best, way to overcome fears.

Kalpna grew up in London, where many of the millions who live there never learn to swim or even drive as there are not many bodies of water around and public transport is ubiquitous.

She learned to drive a few years ago. It was awesome to watch her be totally rapt with fear and consciously face that fear, over and over again. I remember how white her knuckles were while driving barely 10 mph at first. 

These days I have to remind her to slow down while she whips our beemer around the turns on the hills here in Maui.

In the same way that moving from London to a more rural part of the USA made driving a car a fear worth facing, moving to an island and buying a house with a pool called her into facing her fear of water. (I gave up trying to persuade her to learn to swim some years ago!)

She was shit-scared at first. I mean, like putting her ankle in the water made her whole body tense up. Going past the knees would only happen accompanied by her screaming bloody murder. (Trying to force that once was once too much!)

But today, when I came back from a run, I found her face down kicking across the pool with one of those swimming boards in her hands. Over the past week, I've watched her get back in the water, a little bit more every time, just leaning into what was scary until that part wasn't.

First the knees, then the hips,....then that's enough for today.

And the next day, up to the shoulders.

Rest. Celebrate.

And then next time, just blowing some bubbles from the lips...feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

We had some conversations about how this was similar to how she birthed our two boys without any pain medication. Of course, acknowledging being blessed to have the option for a natural birth due to the baby being positioned well, she calmly implemented the breathing and meditation techniques she'd been practicing for months. As my wife breathed and meditated through her entire labor, a nurse of 20 years told me she'd never seen anything like it and would be talking about it for ages.

Kalpna's ability to overcome the uncomfortable experiences her body creates is so profound. She is a master of her mind. And not only that, she is a master of patience and going slow.

She was shit-scared of not passing her wine exams a few years back. The amount of study required and the tests are on par with studying law and the bar exam. But then through a stroke of insight, she turned on that ability she has to overcome fears and worked not only on learning about wine but on what her mind and body were doing in regards to that exam. By the time the exams came, she was not only floating on a cloud of relaxedness, but she was also absolutely certain she would score the second-highest in the world on her exams. (In her opinion, the 2nd place prize for the globally recognized degree was better than the 1st.)

When the letter came a few months later with the invitation to London to be presented with that 2nd place prize and a bursary in front of the top members of the wine industry, she giggled and cried at the same time.

To say I wasn't surprised would be gracious, but if I'm honest, it was a 'holy shit' moment for me. I mean, I believe in and utilize the intentional cultivation of mindset, but when someone creates something so specific and so grandiose like that so effortlessly, it's kind of mind-boggling. It was like she decided she was going to win the lottery and then did it.

And so as I watched her in her lesson today...and then in the 30 minutes that followed where she kept swimming back and forth on her own in the pool, I reflected on what she was doing there is the same thing she'd done in the car and in labor and with her wine studies. She was just being with what was occurring at that moment....breathing (or holding her breath) watching what her mind was doing with what her body was doing...allowing it to be until her body relaxed...and then leaning in a little bit more.

Kicking just one foot while the other stayed on the floor of the pool. Sliding her hands a bit back on the floating board. Holding her breath for 1 or 2 seconds longer.

Lean in, feel the fear, breathe until the mind and body settle, and then lean in again.

I think the reason most people (including myself) don't overcome crippling fears like Kalpna does is that they don't approach it as patiently and persistently as Kalpna does.

"How do you eat an elephant?"

"One bite at a time."

I think it's this simple.

She just shows up and nibbles, every single day, over and over again, and before you know it, you've become someone new, capable of something that seemed literally impossible before.

So...what's your elephant?

And will you join me in nibbling?

Loving you, JPM

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