What Might Kohut’s Concept of the Selfobject Offer Transformative Coaching?

In transformative coaching, one of the most profound (but often subtle) dynamics at play is the relationship itself—the way a client feels seen, supported, and strengthened by the coach’s presence.

But how do we understand this dynamic without falling into the trap of dependency or seeing coaching as a place for emotional rescue?

Heinz Kohut’s Self Psychology, particularly his concept of the selfobject, offers a useful lens.

Kohut suggested that people require certain relationships to maintain a cohesive, resilient sense of self. These selfobjects—whether caregivers, mentors, friends, or experiences—help individuals stabilise their self-esteem, regulate their emotions, and feel whole.

In coaching, understanding the idea of the selfobject invites us to see how the coaching relationship can temporarily support clients’ sense of coherence and vitality, while ultimately helping them internalise that strength for themselves.

1. What Did Kohut Mean by the Selfobject?

Kohut introduced the concept of the selfobject to describe the external relationships or experiences that individuals unconsciously use to support their sense of self.

In early life, caregivers act as selfobjects by mirroring emotions, offering validation, and providing soothing regulation. As we grow, we ideally internalise these functions, developing an internal sense of worth, stability, and resilience.

However, Kohut recognised that selfobject needs persist throughout life. Even as adults, we seek relationships and experiences that help us:

• Feel validated and affirmed: Knowing we are seen and valued strengthens the self.
• Experience calming and support: Others can temporarily help us regulate emotions when challenges arise.
• Find ideals and role models: Being able to admire and aspire toward others helps anchor a sense of future possibility.

Importantly, selfobjects are not “others” in the ordinary sense; they are functions that others provide for the self. A healthy selfobject relationship is not about dependency but about temporarily borrowing strength or coherence until it can be internalised.

2. Why Is This Relevant to Coaching?

In coaching, clients typically bring goals, challenges, and questions—but beneath these, there is often an emotional process unfolding.

Clients seek not just answers, but affirmation, understanding, and a sense of being accompanied. Recognising the role of the coach as a temporary selfobject can bring depth to how we support client growth.

Here’s why it matters:

• It helps clients stabilise and strengthen their sense of self. In the attuned presence of the coach, clients often find the courage to explore, risk, and grow.
• It normalises the need for emotional connection. Seeking validation or resonance from a coach isn’t weakness—it’s a natural part of human development and healing.
• It provides a foundation for internalisation. Over time, the affirming, regulating experience of coaching can be taken inward, helping clients rely more fully on themselves.

Understanding the selfobject dynamic invites coaches to see their supportive role not as permanent, but as catalytic—helping clients internalise the capacity for stability, reflection, and self-trust.

3. How Can Coaches Work with the Selfobject Idea in Practice?

Coaches don’t need to “become” selfobjects deliberately. Rather, the coaching relationship naturally provides opportunities for attuned connection and support. Here’s how coaches can consciously work with these dynamics:

• Offer empathic attunement. When a client feels deeply understood, it strengthens their capacity to understand and value themselves.
• Provide affirming mirroring without acknowledgement. Reflect back the client’s strengths, efforts, and insights in an authentic, grounded way.
• Encourage gradual internalisation. As clients grow stronger, coaches can reflect that strength back to them and invite them to own it.
• Model stability in uncertainty. When clients experience emotional flux, the coach’s calm, accepting presence can help regulate their sense of disorientation.
• Recognise when it’s time to shift. As clients strengthen, coaches can gently step back from providing regulation or affirmation, supporting the client’s emerging independence.

4. Challenges Coaches May Face with This Approach

Working with the selfobject function in coaching is delicate. Here are potential challenges:

• Risk of fostering dependency. If a coach unconsciously positions themselves as the permanent source of stability, clients may become overly reliant. Mindfulness around encouraging autonomy is key.
• Overstepping coaching boundaries. Selfobject needs sometimes touch emotional wounds better suited for therapy. Coaches must stay within ethical boundaries and refer when deeper healing work is needed.
• Managing the coach’s own needs. Coaches must be aware of any personal desire to “be needed” and stay grounded in service to the client’s growth, not their own validation.

Conclusion: Coaching as a Space for Temporary Support and Lasting Growth

Heinz Kohut’s concept of the selfobject reminds us that the coaching relationship isn’t just cognitive—it’s relational and emotional. Clients often need to feel deeply witnessed, mirrored, and accompanied as they move through transformation.

Understanding the selfobject dynamic doesn’t make coaching into therapy. Rather, it deepens our appreciation for how profoundly being seen and supported can spark the process of internal strengthening and self-trust.

Ultimately, transformative coaching honours the temporary role we play: offering presence, affirmation, and containment—so that clients can leave not leaning on us, but standing more firmly in themselves.

Who Was Heinz Kohut?

Heinz Kohut (1913–1981) was an Austrian-born American psychoanalyst best known for developing Self Psychology, a theory that shifted psychoanalytic focus from instinctual drives to the formation and maintenance of the self.

Kohut explored how relationships, particularly experiences of empathy and mirroring, are essential to building a cohesive and resilient sense of self. His ideas continue to influence psychotherapy, relational practices, and coaching approaches that value emotional attunement and the developmental needs of the self.