On skills, jobs, agents & dancing monkeys ...

Disclaimer: This spoof is for entertainment value only and all persons or categories apparently referenced, syntactically described or alluded to, are simply a figment of your imagination. If you recognise yourself anywhere here then ... well ... then next time you take a look in the mirror you may wish to start an existential conversation which may lead you to a couch somewhere. And don't send me any bills!

I do enjoy a good scrap. Not only it stimulates my antagonistic jingoism, but I get a kind of weird satisfaction of having ruffled some feathers and placed some noses out of joint. Isn't it great to feel that someone on the other side of this speck in the universe has its back raised at you & is caterwauling through its bared fangs simply based on your words which have broken through his/her protective shield? Suits & writs may follow ...

I am, of course, going to libel a whole class & generation of professionals, so how can I go wrong? Now, how can I start offending ... let's see. Agents. I don't mean the secret variety; I have zero experience with them and I intend to have none. I don't mean those dealing with real estate, although I could imagine voices from a few million, worldwide stridently praying that I did. I don't mean those in the spheres of art, or commerce, or law, royalty, or any other type, except those of the employment variety. I am referring to, of course, to the humble (or are they?) recruitment agent.

We have all been there. You're moping around "in between roles", scanning all sites on your screen for anything that you can do, spamming countless innocents with your godly CV, haranguing secretaries to put you through the PIC (Person In Charge), leaving pleading (or vaguely threatening) voicemail begging for someone to call back. Last time you showed your bank balance to your wife/husband/dog you saw tears fill their weary eyes, first with humour, then derision, swiftly turning into sorrow and anguish at futuristic images of having to digest all that dogfood. And I'm not referring to the pets. The excuses get lamer as time goes by:

"It's this pandemic. The virus attacks the emails I send with my CV, and turns my stint as Autonomous Directing Manager at XYZ company into Assistant Dancing Monkey at ZYX"

or

" But honey, there's 500 applicants for each job & agents just skip my application, even when I have as the subject line: "You had better open this one, you ******!"

(Fit your own preferred adjective above)

Bums. Like insurance, I can’t stand them and need them in equal measure. But is it truly their fault? Are they really heartless box-tickers toeing the company line, subservient to irrational and demanding clients & driven bosses? Some see agents as glorified clerks ... let's see, so you have 3 years’ experience as Duty Embalming Supervisor at Nightshade Funerals Unlimited, so I can tick the 'Experience with chemicals', 'Could work with zombies' and ‘Enthusiastic Hands-On Gofer’ boxes. Even if with gloves.

What’s that? Speleologist Managing Guide but also claustrophobic & have never tasted bat? Sorry. I’ll move you to my digital shredder right now. Have four advanced degrees & none from a red brick institute? Worthless. Why are you wasting my time!?!?!?

We should really take pity on our average recruiter, nowadays a harassed, misunderstood animal, sandwiched between egotistical statistics-bashing bosses & smug, pedantic clients, feeding them with unrealistic specs at risible remunerations. How is one to objectively evaluate hundreds of CVs when you have 5 seconds flat for each? Yes, keyword search first finds, then categorises & weeds out the first few hundred, eliminating potential geniuses & promising careers through the inexorable process of impersonal, digital emasculation without appeal. Einstein would have been left on the bench for the rest of his life. Newton’s apple narrative, had he added it to his CV, would have got him earmarked for the asylum. There are countless luminaries who left or were ejected from higher learning centres, without even a CV to their name, due to failing to get qualifications. Richard Branson, Alan Sugar, Steven Spielberg, Walt Disney, Harrison Ford, Al Capone … the list is long. Not that I’m urging recruiters to recruit budding Als. Sleeping with the fishes isn’t my ideal pastime. But you get my drift.

Thus, given the straightjacket situation most of them find themselves in, what should they do? How should the poor, overworked & (in their unbiased opinion) underpaid agent select his candidates to present to the client? How should the client modify their evaluation criteria to onboard the next corporate rising star?

The answer is to stop searching for trees and take a good look at the forest. Skills … qualifications … experience … they are all temporal characteristics, easy (or easier) to acquire and develop, and in the medium term contribute less to the company’s bottom line than much of the candidate’s raw potential, when adequately tuned to your needs. No use training future walk-outs? Or don’t wish to pay for ability? Project starts NOW and can’t wait that long? Why? Didn’t spot the trend? Company apparatchiks dragging their heels on budgets? Take a good look in the mirror & tell yourself, if you dare, that you’ve done the right forecasting & planning, made appropriate use of your middle finger where required & not barked at your wife/hubby/partner without cause. Ever. With a straight face.

The truth is, the average human brain is lazy. Thinking means utilising neurons in a new way, which consumes 2-3 times as much energy as merely following habits. Using a dose of imagination is even more demanding. And when you combine thinking, imagination and visualising the future, that will crack more than a few psyches. So, agents and recruiters, like most of us most of the time, will take shortcuts where possible - exemplified by the infamous ‘keyword search’ applications, now gentrified into the likes of ‘Intelligent analytical algorithms’ or something similar. The result: Clients will get competent, though uninspiring, minions, adequately performing to their scripts, feeding out of the canteen trough & not making waves. Boxes are ticked! Money changes hands! Everyone’s happy! Or are they? And, more pointedly, should they be?

Now, I have worked in the corporate straightjacket myself for a while. I have also been an employer. I understand how tough it is to snap out of the pattern, break the mould, crush a few eggs, twerk some noses. But guys, do yourselves a favour. Stretch your intellectual tendrils, make those new connections. When you read on a CV “Five years door-to-door pig entrails salesman in the ME”, what do you see? Delusion? Insanity? I see courage. Grit. Persuasion. Perception. Dedication. Fast running ability. Inurement to damage. Resistance to hunger. And hunger for success. Or just plain hunger. Couldn’t your client (or you) benefit from these extraordinary talents? What’s the lack of a certification in comparison to hunger?

When you read “Three months’ research experience as solo underwater violinist to Southern Pacific orcas”, you, the agent, what talents do you think this individual could take with them to your client? And you, the employer, how will your company benefit from him or her in 5 years’ time, assuming your outfit is worth working in and you do your job as inspiring, motivating boss? Draw circles … mind maps … extrapolate … think. Or you might be in that job queue yourself in 5 years’ time. What? You didn’t specify ‘working fast under pressure’ in your specification? But you do know that’s what they do at yours. No mention of ‘ability to spontaneous generate uplifting creativity’ in your spec? You know that would be a mega-shot in the arm for your little department. Never thought about the use of ‘effective communication with alien species’ when considering NPI in foreign markets? Poor you … I bet you just specced a language …

Oh … I do apologise. I forgot. My memory isn’t what it used to be. You use an application. It filters by keywords. And those talents weren’t defined as such in there …