Seven reasons a person will not change

Every person who comes to you for help is not always interested in being free from their problems. Just because they are sharing their trouble with you does not mean they want to change. This is a common occurrence, and there are reasons they do not change.

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The number of people who really want to change is smaller than you may think. Sometimes we forget this as we make our appeals–especially to those we love the most. Though at some level of their hearts they may want to live a different kind of life, too often they choose what is familiar because change is hard.

For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? – Luke 14:28 (ESV)

Biblical repentance is hard for all of us. It is like trying to lose weight or trying to quit smoking. What is that one pestering thing you want to change, but have not been able to change yet? How many of us have tried, but found the discipline and will to rid ourselves of bad habits is harder than we first perceived?

A lack of change is a common counseling outcome. Not understanding this might leave you frustrated, especially with people who are perpetually stuck in a rut (Galatians 6:1-2).

Even so, God’s grace is sufficient for anyone to mature in Christ (Philippians 4:13). There are no problems that are beyond the scope of His grace (1 Corinthians 10:13). To say or think your set of problems are different and you cannot change is to deny the power of Christ’s death, resurrection, ascension, and mediation (Romans 1:16).

Imagine trying to persuade Christ with an excuse for not changing. What could we say?

• Your grace was not enough.
• You should have done more.
• I am different and my situation is unique.

My unwillingness to change is always because of me, not Him. He has given me all I need for life and godly living (2 Peter 1:3-4; Philippians 4:19). At some point I have to realize any lack of change in me is a matter of personal choice. If I choose to not change then my excuses must be examined. In this piece I want to cover seven of the more common reasons that have kept me from changing. Perhaps you can identify with some of them.

Reason #1 – I’m problem-centered

The Gospel is the power of God for salvation and for sanctification. Problem-centered, problem-focused people do not perceive this. Though the answer is right in front of them, there can be reluctance on their part to submit to God’s wonder working power (Deuteronomy 30:14; Romans 10:8).

Through the years the LORD has sent me a few problem-centered people who did not want to change. Though they would not say they had made a decision to not change, the truth is they did not want to change. They were the glass is half-empty people.

If you asked them how they were doing, they would give you their list of problems. After a while you would be tempted to grow weary of them. Grace and gratitude were not part of their day-to-day speech.

It did not matter what you said or what angle you took to turn the conversation toward Christ and His grace, their problems were always too big and God’s solutions were always too small.

Reason #2 – It’s my identity

When a person is stuck in a rut for a long period of time, the rut can become their identity.

I was recently talking to a man who had a foster child. The foster child hoards his few belongings in his room, while choosing not to play with all the other toys his foster parents have provided for him. This kid has a squalor identity, which is all he knows. He does not think it is odd to tenaciously hold on to his few broken possessions.

If he continues to live in this kind of fear-based thinking after he becomes an adult, his identity will be deeply entrenched into self-captivating thought patterns (2 Corinthians 10:3-6). A life of freedom, hope, peace, love, grace, and security may be good ideas for others, but not for him.

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. – 1 Thessalonians 5:14 (ESV)

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