Reflections on a TEDx Talk...

I recently gave a TEDx Talk. Well, kind of… Because while I didn’t exactly fail, it was not the stunning world debut my ego was hoping for. By quite a long chalk.

Firstly, I ended up taking my notes on stage. And as I hadn’t planned to do so, they weren’t even in a discrete format. A big black binder. Meh! Which is why I say I gave a TEDx Talk, kind of. Have you ever seen a TEDx with notes? Well, actually, there have been plenty, but they are not the world class talks we expect and commonly see, are they? And it wasn't the standard I was holding myself to.

So let me explain how I ended up on stage with my notes and some of the other mistakes I made along the way.

Most importantly, I underestimated a lot. My idea worth sharing was not finely tuned enough. I thought it was, but when I came to really thinking through my talk, I could not find my thread for the longest time. Perhaps I was putting too much pressure on myself or I just had too much to say and my idea was not honed. But I underestimated how long it would take to find my voice, something, as my friends will know, I’m not much accustomed to!  It was frustrating.

Drafting the final version of my Talk overshadowed the entire three week trip I took to England the Christmas before, and I had planned to have my script finished long before that first trip home for four years! I frequently hid in my room during the Christmas/New Year festivities, and I made that procrastinator's favorite mistake of not finishing my talk but not doing other things either. I just couldn’t make my idea worth sharing flow. And I still wasn’t happy with it when I got back to Japan. So there was that. 

Then, once I had the talk and was almost happy with it, I spent too much time trying to learn the script rather than just practicing it without worrying about the exact words. I almost never give presentations from detailed notes much less a script, but this time I really wanted to be word perfect as I had planned it. I shoulda coulda woulda balanced the two things as I practiced. But I didn’t. 

The time limit as well I found challenging! When I gave the talk by myself with a dramatic reading of the script, I was always a couple of minutes under the 18 minute limit - good. But when I tried just giving it from my head without reading, I was always over. And I panicked about not being able to keep on script so I kept blanking, which I also almost never do when I give a normal presentation. I guess I underestimated how difficult it was to learn a script by heart. I didn’t understand how long it would take. And the exact words - especially in the last version - were not bad so I wanted them. But I couldn’t commit them exactly to memory. And it bothered me. Especially as I felt that that was the expectation.

One of the reasons for this expectation was because in Japan, or at least in Awaji, they run a line-by-line translation for Japanese audience members (or vice versa for English speakers in Japanese presentations). It means a learned script works best. And I thought I could do it; I thought that would work best for me and the audience.

While I don’t want to seem like I’m shifting the focus away from things I am responsible for, we had deadlines to hit through the process. Sometimes a deadline was informed a few days before, which meant if I had other things to do, which I certainly did, I didn’t have a chance of hitting it. Honestly, I can’t say I really would have done better had I had sharper deadlines with more forewarning. I did have deadlines from my coach. More structure might have helped. It might not. But I'm an adult and a teacher and, as I tell my students, I'm in charge of me, so I should have been able to pace myself. I do totally own my own semi-failure.

Leading up… Meg, my daughter, arrived in Japan from England on Thursday afternoon before my talk the following Sunday. And, I have to say, poor Meg. I’d had a translation done, but as I kept cutting and changing way too late, I asked for her help to edit my translation and she was up past midnight on the day she arrived. The subject of my talk was resilience and Meg embodied it over the next few days - calming me and being supportive, listening to me time and time again practicing my talk, as well as continuously adjusting the translation. I think I may not have made it to the stage without her. And I think she could have stood up and given my Talk by herself by Sunday, even with the jetlag she was certainly experiencing! 

The Friday night before the event, I had my life's first mini panic attack. Shallow breath, hyperventilating, I couldn't calm down. I’m sure my heart aged through the process. But even that, I guess, was a good experience. I know other people deal with anxiety a lot. I don’t really. So I got to experience what other people face. Always good to develop some empathy, but not much fun. 

Then the day before the Day itself, we had an official practice at the venue. I arrived at 11 and I really was not feeling very confident. As I had a big afternoon event at school that day - orientation for 66 students going to Green Camp Bali a few weeks later - I was due to go first for the rehearsal. But there were technical problems and other issues, so I had to leave before giving my talk. I jetted back to school not without relief from being able to put off the practice a little more. I did the 3.5 hour orientation, and drove back for the practice in the early evening. The practice absolutely bombed. 

I was way too nervous. The slides did not work as planned. I didn’t have many and I didn’t anticipate they would remain on screen until the next one came up. The translation got messed up because we hadn't prepared it in the line by line format that it really needed. I had a 12 second video in my slides and the video kept cutting in while I was progressing through my Talk. The slides weren’t appearing when I wanted. While I’m usually the one who can roll with these kinds of episodes - it was just the practice, after all, and that was the point of the practice - I could do no rolling that day! Already overthinking and worrying, I kept blanking, was distracted, faltered and ran well over the time limit.

So Saturday night it was back to the cutting board. I cut the video, surrounding text and a whole subplot. Meg was up until midnight adjusting the translation and writing it more to a line by line approach that we hadn’t really worked towards but would work better with the slide format. Me, rehearsing, rehearsing. 

Sunday morning, back to practice, TEDx staff tinkering with and then uploading the new translation, I was exhausted, as Meg was too! But she was resilient and, I guess, to an extent, I was as well. 

Just before lunch, we decided as a team I needed to take my notes with me. And that was that. I practiced a couple of times with the black binder of shame, and let go of my dreams of world TED domination. Rueful smile. With the script I kind of pulled it out. I was determined not to be embarrassed. I tried to give the blooming Talk as if there was nothing weird about holding a big black binder. My breath was shallow at times and as a friend watching said, I didn’t relax and smile enough. I stumbled a bit. But I have to say the Japanese audience members were much better able to follow (and laugh and ah and nod - thank you!)  because I more or less kept to the script. 

My script was much reduced from my plan. There were none of the gimmicks or audience participation. I had cut! cut! cut! but the thread was kind of clear. It was more personal than it had been. It was OK. I got through it. 

And, of course, nobody else giving talks that day, it seemed, ran to script anyway. And they all did a great job! So coulda shoulda woulda again, but ah well.

I guess to sum up, the whole experience was hard. It tested my resilience but it was worth doing. No regrets, eh? It was a good, if not super stressful experience, which I learned a lot from. I met some great people. There were overall fun times. I’m glad I didn’t give up. It was very tempting to accept the panic, and being sick presented itself as an attractive option. I’m sure I could have even manifested that had I tried; I did lose my voice on Saturday! But by the time the whole event was done, I was already joining Toastmasters to hone my skills, and wanting to write articles and give presentations titled: “What I wish I had known before putting my hand up to do a TEDx Talk”. I’m sure that already exists and I shoulda coulda woulda located it beforehand.

I’d like to thank the people who helped me. Or tried to help me! The Awaji TEDx Team is a young, international, inspiring and fun group who just rolled with the punches. The day itself ran like clockwork. They were a well oiled machine. The extra performances were excellent, the other presenters were inspiring. There were no technical hitches. The atmosphere was good. The audience was small but supportive. I’d like to have the chance to work with the team again - not as a speaker, don’t worry! But, if I ever have the opportunity, I'd like to return to TEDx. If at first you don't succeed...

I'd like to thank my coach also, who put his reputation on the line for me and really did try to chivvy me and offer some great feedback and advice. I wouldn't have got so far without him for sure. I need to thank the staff at school who did the first translation. And of course Meg (what a woman!) for all her help, and my friends and those at work who were cheering me on and believing in me. Oh, and you can see the TEDx Talk itself down below this review. Big sigh, big cheer. All part of life’s rich tapestry.