New rules of Work

Before we begin with the basic rules for appearing normal and acclimated to socialization with your co-workers, managers and bosses; it is important to stress that this should only serve as a guide to facilitate the mimicry of normal human behaviors, responses, and emotions. This guide is not intended to teach one how to actually experience genuine human emotion. Why anyone would want to do that is beyond me but that is a subject for another time.  

RULES

1) Act unsure with your work and seek others approval.

Most of your "peers" are concerned with how they are perceived. They lack the monolith of self assurance and self esteem that you have. True, you have no reason to feel unsure of your actions or measured in your words, as such is the flim flackery of those flawed and prone to mistakes. However, this is not the experience of the common man and often your steadfast assurance in your infinite capabilities can be perceived as hubris or arrogance. Try using rule number one to offset this misconception.

2) Appear concerned with criticism and fearful of reprimand.

Obviously criticism of your work is invalid, but such is the lonely path you walk. You perceive the world from a different vantage. While these office lemmings march towards the cliffs of corporate culture you soar above with the bird’s eye view of a majestic eagle of middle management. Never the less, you should try to feign concern and distress at others critique's to help fit in. Also, it is true that the universe has decreed that no matter what may happen you will inexplicably end up on your feet, and regardless of your inexperience with agriculture you know that as the proverbial cream you have a propensity to rise. Still, you should pretend to relate to consequence at least conceptually. This will help you appear interested in the small minded growth and longevity your peers appreciate.

3) Socialize with your peers.

You might be surprised about the people around you. In addition to being easily manipulated and generally inconsequential they can prove quite entertaining during a slow day in the office. Most of them are likely to be involved in tumultuous personal relationships that they love to talk about, and it doesn't require much more than the slightest inkling of interest for them to open up their life to you like a filleted fish bares its' spine. Something else you might not have considered is that unlike you they lack the steadfast character and extreme self control to partake in mind altering substances properly. You experience life's bounty with the sensitivity and good taste of a sommelier as you peruse the finest specimen of every delightful experience. Unfortunately for them your office mates are more than likely social beings, but fortunately for you their tales of sorrow and despair can act as an amusing reaffirmation of your superior self control. Regardless of what motivates you to engage with them you must make this gesture. Otherwise they will feel that you are unengaged and antisocial, and in truth you are, but that is our secret.   

4) Limit acts of intimidation, ridicule, and retribution.

I know what you’re thinking. Rule number three tells you to "socialize with your peers," and then we follow up with the extremely counter intuitive "Limit acts of intimidation, ridicule, and retribution." Also, what would be the point of climbing the corporate ladder if not to crush the softer hands? Your right again, you have earned the right to belittle those undermining you, conspire against your work, and malign your enemies. Regardless of how much perceived power their position affords them you can recognize when you’re towering over an anthill. So as far as you are concerned the janitorial crew and the CEO are on equal footing. Plus, you don't want to waste your social capitol on a few humorous barbs; especially since those types of outbursts could easily be saved for later. Too much fun in the office might cause one of the knuckle-draggers to run to HR, and once they get their panties in a bunch and want to "engage you in constructive dialogue;" you will be wishing you had listened to rule #4. If you absolutely must break rule number four, either for personal gratification or business purposes, remember to steer clear of age, gender, race, and lifestyle orientation. Weight is still fair play and most obese people still feel too shamed to report insults. You will be better of using your charm coupled with compulsive lying to amuse yourself.