Life and the art of balance - the challenge of keeping the plates spinning.

I've got three kids, I'm the co-founder of a start-up company and it's the summer holidays. Like many middle age people, I'm at a stage of life where I'm often facing uncertainty and considerable demands on my time, in doing so, its often challenging to find the time to get everything, perhaps anything done!

During such times, its often simply about getting the balance needed to address the competing demands to ensure things get done. And this is when life in general becomes a lot like plate-spinning. Running one demand, whilst simultaneously tracking several others whilst running from one thing to the next to ensure nothing is falling down.   Sound familiar?

Despite complaining extensively about how time poor I am, I've afforded my self the luxury of thinking about my own priorities. What are the most important plates that I need to keep spinning? And what particular stresses can these particular plates present as I run between them (and some ideas for solutions).

Plate 1 - Family

This one is particularly relevant in August, when everyone is together. Boundaries blur and (as those who go on wet camping holidays in the UK will appreciate) we get to spend a lot of time with our families.

 As mentioned, I have three children, so I've made my life choices around what is important to my family and me. In doing so, we've made choices about how much support we need/want to raise them. As parents you have to think about whether you want to ensure you're home at a certain time each night to contribute to the chores of dinner, bath, bedtime, or is your priority to be available in the office?

And here is one of the big challenges of being middle-aged - whose need is greater, those in your family or those that you work for? So, for a lot of people, the first thing that we often need to think about is family (bear in mind what is a normal family varies a lot these days), but generally, when I talk about family here I mean something slightly more nuanced than 'work-life balance'. Family is a commitment of its own and getting the balance right for a happy family can be pretty challenging at the best of time. If you prize family time (be it with your partner, your kids or whoever constituents your particular unit), then if you're home at a certain time each time every night, then you need to make peace with fact that might not be as available as colleagues who spend longer in the office than you do and this could impact on your work choices

Whatever the case, when it comes to family, the thing to bear in mind in any of this, there is no normal, there is no 'right' choice in the big scheme of things. Balance is personal and what matters is what's right for you and the others that on the journey with you (i.e. your family). This comes to the first stressor.

Stressor - Caring about what other people think. If you have a family, these are the people that matter. Rarely is it your colleagues that matter in the same way or in the long term. If you don't have a family and prioritize work this is also fine, family, children, that works for some and not for others, and there is no guilt in making these choices. Providing you are making the choices that work for you then there is nothing wrong with that. Either way, if people judge you - either for the fact that you leave the office early to be with your family, or because they have a family and are judging you for working late - the point is this - they can't judge. Every choice is down the individual, not those around them. Pandering to your perceived opinion of the collective that surrounds you probably won't make you happy.   Also, one thing further thing to reflect on is that people don't generally go to their death beds saying - 'If only I'd worked more.'

Solution - Remember there is no such as thing as 'normal', especially when it comes to family. What is 'right' is finding the right balance that works for your and those in your particular unit that are sharing the journey with you. It might be worth questioning how much stock you put in the opinion of others when prioritizing your time.

Plate 2 - Work

So, for most of us, the other plate that spins in parallel with 'family' is 'work, which is probably the other most consistent demand on the average persons time. Again, often when we're nearing 40, what you 'do' and how much time you spend doing it, can start to be recurring thought. How many of us in middle age start to get a nagging sensation that by now, you should know what you're talking about? Do the career choices you made way back when you were in school should somehow reflect who you are now you are 'proper' adult.

Careful though, these are often the sorts of thoughts that people associate with the fabled 'mid-life' crisis. Suddenly, faced with more demands on their money and their time - a person who has been in the same job/work environment for 20 years or so, doing the grind of the commute - suddenly gives it all up, buys a motor cycle and relocates to Somerset to cultivate rare mushrooms in a polytunnel. Well, perhaps this is a little specific, but you know what I mean, this starts to happen.

 These thoughts of 'work' and what you 'do', day-in, day-out often bubble up when we're really pushed for time. Perhaps its these times when people start to get an inkling that there could be more too life. Or perhaps it goes the other way, when people are really busy, perhaps they prefer the familiarity of routine and come to the realization that they are deeply content and happy with the achievements that have got them to that point in their lives.

Whatever the outcome, middle age seems to present it's share of reflection points - have I got to where I want to be? Is this it? Do I need to be doing something I don't enjoy?

And here is the rub - by this point, you may have got to level of earnings that you need to work. The lifestyle you have worked hard to create, now defines you and will keep you working.

Perhaps, this is why the word 'mid-life' is so associated with 'crisis'. Perhaps the demands and expectations of life leave people with the nagging desire to move on and do something else. For those that do, good luck to them, hopefully, they can keep track of the other plates in their life and find another way of keeping the work plate spinning. For those that feel the desire to move at some point, but don't, then this can yield a more challenging path. You feel like you want to move on but stay with what's comfortable and what's familiar.

The Stressor - Not being at peace with what you 'do'. Do you believe that you need to work? Is it a luxury to enjoy what you do? How rigidly you perceive what work is and what's for can really impact on your happiness and your stress. If you believe that you 'need' to be in the office because you need to work a certain amount you can find yourself, often unconsciously stressing yourself. When you're at home, you feel like you should be in the office, when you're in the office, you're niggled because the chores at home are mounting up.

The Solution - Understand what your priorities are. Sometimes its a challenge to understand what we are prioritising and why. Sadly, sometimes we're just so dang busy we end responding to the next thing that comes our way, rather than asking why we're responding to it. During such times, it’s worth stopping asking what's making you respond to something - is it rational or emotional? Before you do something stop and ask yourself, why I am doing this? Why am I checking work email at 10am on a Saturday morning? What is it I'm looking to find? In doing so, you can often reveal answers that aren't answered than simply finding the next work task.

Plate 3 - Health

The third plate we all have spinning is 'health' and, be it either physical or mental, it's often the easiest one to forget about. As already mentioned, when you're on the road to middle age, the demands placed on you will be at their greatest. The naive expectations of youth are challenged with the demands of the real world, which can be frustrating for some.

As well as potential challenges to psyche, your metabolism is also slowing. If you've got small children, you're probably not sleeping much and your time is so limited exercise might seem like a luxury! 30 minutes CV a day! It's just so difficult to find and when you do it feels like such an extravagance.

But there in lies the rub. The very fact that this decision not to prioritize a small piece of time for yourself actually makes things tougher in the long run. It adds to the sense that you don't have any time and, probably keep you running at a pace that might not be sustainable in the longer term, making you stressed and, probably, less happy.

The Stressor - Not getting 'time out' - either for exercise or for headspace. Balancing here is really difficult - how many of us really have the time to get the optimal level of space and time to exercise or relax. In a family setting as well, its really challenging, but it comes down to our individual expectations. What level of exercise is optimal, is it fair to exercise 2 hours a day if your partner can't do anything and looks after the kids all week?

The Solution - Understanding that anything you can get is good. Coming to an accommodation (with the other stressors listed here) that allows to you get something done that helps you attain a healthy balance (that takes into account all the other demands on your own unique situation). So, maybe its time (temporarily at least) to acknowledge that you might not be running marathons, but you might get 10-20 minutes here or there, just to go for a quick run, or to sit in the garden and read a book (except in the UK, when it is again, probably raining).  After all, 2-3 hours is ambitious, 10 minutes is achievable.

One final thought - 'there is no such thing as perfect'

These are my observations that I have formed in being stressed and challenged at, what I see as, a demanding time of life. They’re plenty of clichés surrounding middle age and turning '40'. But, perhaps more positively, there are plenty of others that say, after this milestone, life gets easier because you've learnt to appreciate things more. Learning to attain your own sense of balance means (hopefully) you move into a higher level of happiness formed around contentment not attainment.  And this could come from remembering that there is no such thing as 'perfect'. You can be happier as a person and probably find it easier to prioritise if you remember this. It is not a failure to not attain 100% perfection in every single task, every single moment of the day. Often, especially with your family, just showing up will suffice.

[Image from - www.neilfogarty.com]

Just remembering this one thing alone makes things a little easier when you're running from one plate to the other. 

And that's it. Enjoy the summer.

Chris Evett is a Director at Simplexity Analysis and can be mostly found trying to fit too many kids into a Volkswagen 'Up' or working on 'the future'.