Lazy or Unmotivated: What's Getting in the Way of Children’s Success?

Out of all of the adjectives I’ve heard parents use to describe their children, lazy is the most common. Here is the truth. Children are not lazy. Let me repeat that. Children are not lazy. They may be demoralized, discouraged, anxious or angry, but not lazy. Here is another fact. Children want to succeed. They want to achieve good grades, have friends (even if just a few), be rewarded and recognized and feel good about themselves. So what gets in the way of motivation for children? There are many factors including weak attention/sustained effort, learning challenges, difficulty regulating their emotions and/or disinterest in the task. To quote a good analogy, for these children to do well, it is like running with a sprained ankle - possible, but painful - and they will look for any reason to stop after taking a few steps.

Interviews with children have shown that they are able to work harder on things that are interesting to them. The problem arises when they are asked to complete tasks that are viewed as “boring” or “pointless.” Here are some helpful ideas to increase your child’s motivation for nonpreferred tasks:

1. Discover their interests: Even though it may have nothing to do with what they are struggling to complete, start to ask about what does motivate them. Do they love a specific aspect of science? Which video game, Youtube channel or TV show is their favorite and why? What do they want to learn more about? You will find that by showing an interest in their interests, they will be more open to sharing their frustrations as well.
2. Be a detective: Find out what are the reasons for discouragement and frustration. Is the work too difficult? Is their attention too weak to sustain effort for one hour of homework? Are the words too difficult to read? By determining root causes for the problem, you and your child can begin to find plausible solutions so they can complete the task at hand leading to feelings of perseverance and accomplishment. 
3. Validate: Rather than telling them they need to try harder (which is often counterproductive), let them know that it is normal to feel discouraged and frustrated and that you yourself have felt this way. Use simple language like, “I know this is frustrating” or “It doesn’t feel good to not understand what you read.” This leads to the next tip which is…
4. Encouragement and growth mindset: We should praise and encourage their effort for difficult tasks for every small step along the way. If they were able to read 5 minutes each night last week and can sustain effort for 7 minutes each night this week, let them know that they are improving and that you are proud of them. Even if the assignment is to read 10 minutes each night. As long as they are going in the right direction, they deserve your praise and encouragement. If they aren’t at their ultimate goal yet (i.e., making a new friend, getting an A on a test, etc.) remind them that they are still working on it and have made improvements along the way. Use words like “yet” to foster this mindset of positive change.

As parents, it is our job to help our children discover what motivates them, how to overcome in the face of adversity and learn what works for them. By working as a team of problem solvers, you and your children can discover what obstacles are in their way of achieving success.