The good, bad and ugly of my first year of balancing motherhood and career

The parenting buck stops at my table. I am now the CEO of not just my life and career, but my baby too. While it feels nice to have got the promotion, and I have my co-founder by my side, I am a novice at traversing through this unchartered territory of life.

Here’s my little note (I could write a book!) of the good, bad, and ugly of my journey of balancing work and parenting.

THE GOOD

Focus

I now realize that I had so much ‘me’ time before Norah. What did I do with all that time? I ended up putting my fingers in too many pies and spreading myself thin.

Now that I have limited time, I am forced to question everything that I do – is this something that I really want in my life? I don’t know whether it is motherhood or my efforts at working at myself but I feel like I am finding it easier to weed out the matters, projects, and people I don’t need in my life. I am finding it easier to say ‘no’. 

When you only have about 8-9 hours in a day for work, you force yourself to figure out what’s your priority.

And Parkinson’s law sure is right – work expands to fill the time available for its completion. So limited time is actually a good thing (although there are days when I would love to have a little extra time).

Perspective

 Becoming a parent has reinforced my conviction that it’s the little things that matter.

I don’t know whether you would relate to this but I am not scared of stuff that would have scared me before, like losing money or missing out on an opportunity. I am still ambitious but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t get to where I want to be in the timeframe I want.

 I am learning to appreciate the little moments that make my heart swell, rather than those that bloat my ego.

My earlier self would have squirmed to hear this and I feel a bit sheepish to admit this.

Flexibility

When I had a traditional job, I knew that I did not want that sort of a work-life for myself as a parent. I wanted to be there for my child while still holding on to my career. In other words, I wanted to be my own boss.

 In 2019, I had participated in a goal-setting workshop. Our exercise was to imagine that we had achieved what we wanted a year later and write a diary entry about how we felt now that we had achieved what we wished for - I wrote about having my baby and working remotely at an international organisation.

It took a year and a half for this intention to manifest but it did. I now work remotely on exciting matters and get to take my child to the park in the evenings – something inconceivable if I were to be a Partner at a traditional law firm. 

THE BAD

Pumping

 The toughest part about balancing work and motherhood for me was breastfeeding. This is TMI but anyway here’s why – if you don’t breastfeed or express milk at regular intervals, you’re going to be dealing with engorgement. I resorted to pumping which meant that I had to follow a pumping schedule. 

 Now, pumping is a labour of love. But is it fun? Gosh, no.

 You have to schedule your calls and meetings around your pumping routine. I was also attending a 5-hour fortnightly training (via video conference) during that time – I adjusted my cameras and pumped during training (and managed to have a Zoom blooper too).

I gradually quit pumping after 12 months.  I am still glad I stuck to the grind. 

Limited 'Me' Time

 We all need a healthy dose of ‘me-time’ in order to reset from the noisy world. It’s hard to find that in the first year of motherhood.

 I have a morning routine of waking up, doing a bit of freewriting, spending a few moments in meditation, and then starting my day consciously. It was hard to get that sacred time – and my mood is not in the right place if I miss this hour.

Fears About Losing Business

If I am on a call, I find myself a bit embarrassed if my baby is crying in the background. My immediate thought is – are they going to think that I am not serious or that I don’t have time for work?

I don’t care about what others think of me but this thought is a knee-jerk reaction. It says something – that I am scared that this would affect business.

 I still have these thoughts – if I were to have a second child, how am I going to manage my clients while I am away?

I know I am not indispensable and there’s got to be a way to figure this out.

THE UGLY

 Anger and Resentment

 Parenting is more demanding on the mother (surprise, surprise) particularly if you’re breastfeeding. You’re supposed to be waking up multiple times in the night, functioning as a normal human being while being sleep deprived, losing your pregnancy/post-partum weight, and the parenting buck stops with you.

By default, most of the parenting responsibilities fall on a woman as against pre-baby, when there was a near equal division of household responsibilities. This change can lead to moments of anger and resentment which obviously is not a healthy emotion.

Fears About my Career

 Motherhood was so demanding the first three months that I was riddled with these fears – how would I get back to work? Would all the parenting responsibilities fall on me such that I wouldn’t even get the time or opportunity to work on my career? Did this mean a slippery slope where I would end up a home-maker (not that this is a bad thing but it wasn’t what I had envisaged for myself)? Would I lose my financial independence which I treasured so much?

 At that time, I was also involved in cash-strapped projects that didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Where would I begin to pick the pieces?

 On my return to work, I ended up managing to get up, crawl, walk and finally sprint but, at that time, I was scared.

 Many of my friends had similar fears and so it does help to talk about these fears.

 Losing Yourself

 If I were to look at my Mum and other mothers from the previous generation (particularly in Asian cultures), I have to say that many of them lost themselves to the pressures of motherhood. The worst part is that we worship them (which I believe is paying lip service) without stopping to think that they had their hopes and dreams too.

Although I have always fought for my individuality and have a selfish streak, I feel like I have lost a bit of myself whilst in survival mode.  I am conscious of that though and am aiming to pick up those little pieces of myself where I have left them.

 Solutions

There’s no point in talking about the bad and ugly without thinking about solutions.

Here are my solutions:

• It takes a village to raise a child. And so I got the help of a nanny. It was tough finding a suitable person but once I did, things fell into place. I work from 9 to 5 and then pick up work later if there is a spill-over.
• It helps to have a mature conversation with my husband when I am overwhelmed and talk about how we could divide parenting responsibilities. This has involved making a schedule and attempting to stick to it.
• The most important of them all – the oxygen mask rule. A healthy dose of selfishness is important – I am working on making sure that my needs are satisfied – if they are, then I am a better and happier mother and the role model that my daughter deserves.

Remember that it gets easier. There will always be challenges along the way, as with anything in life – but I can say that the first year is tougher than it is now.

 That’s all for now. I will write soon with more.

Please do share your perspectives and tips in the comments below.