Like a Fish Out of Water

Awaking each day knowing exactly what to expect. The same day(s) repeating like a script week after week. The soothing sensation of comfort which insidiously numbed my soul. The restless feeling of yearning for challenge but fear inhibiting any action. Dreading what I currently do but fearing what I want was a constant state for me. I allowed ambivalence to perplex my mind and threw away many years of time to procrastination.

Comfort of the known and fear of the unknown became shackles; each with a distinct clink. The thought of venturing on the road less traveled is terrifying. I worried, what if my family doesn’t support me? How will I support my family? What if I fail? What if I am not good enough? I thought about these fears for so long that I started to believe them. These thoughts became beliefs and impacted my behavior. I now realize these worries are trivial in my quest for purpose. I now ask myself, what if I stay? The answer to that question has summoned dormant motivation I had been failing to utilize.

As an employee, the same dysfunctional cycle repeated job after job – I was hired, I excelled at the job, the job became routine, I lost interest, I focused less on “work" and either quit or stayed long enough to be terminated. I always felt like a fish out of water – dreaming of a bigger tank to let my fins sail.

I thought I needed to be employed because the message is ubiquitous today. But each role felt created from a cookie cutter and I lacked the creative freedom to express my individual strengths. A culture of repeating what has been done disregards improvement and stifles growth. In university, the focus was on gaining “employable skills”: resume building, networking with employers, interview skills etc. The masses are expected to submit to established business and follow the traditional path. What is alluring about being an employee? Financial stability, delegated work, the challenge of climbing the corporate ladder, a prestigious name to apply on a resume... Where is the adventure?

An epiphany surfaced, a traditional office environment is unappealing to me. How many television programs satirically expose these environments? When I look back on the inscribed dreams of my childhood; no where does it say I dream of being an employee. Somewhere in my life, I decided to settle. I thought I settled because I feared I wasn’t good enough but the reality is I am just lazy. I dread the effort required to make substantial change. We are capable of change and we all have the same twenty-four hours in a day. The people I admire most were the ones who just did it. The ones who didn't make excuses and worked hard but also found balance.

I feel courageous enough to take a leap into new waters. I am okay feeling like a fish out of water because it is part of the journey. I hope I always feel like a fish out of water because to me that means I am realizing bigger and bigger dreams. I had committed to the jump but I didn’t dive head first. I failed to embrace transition and I let that uncomfortable feeling hold me back. I am optimistic towards what the future holds and I am ready to sail.