Does kindness make you weak?

I am sitting in my office, 3rd floor, in an office building near Apaca, Bucharest. On my monitor, my Inbox shows me a request from a colleague. Request is not fulfilling requirements and cannot be approved. If this happened some years ago, my answer would have been: NO. Now, after years of diverse experiences, my answer is: Sorry, no. Including why and guidance.

There is an interesting bias that kind people are weak. I am a strong promoter since birth. I usually tend to take the lead in a group and bring things to an end. I add structure and roll up sleeves towards progress.

However, throughout the years, I learned to be less directive, but nicer, though maintaining my drive and energy. I just added a soft layer on top of my energy. And with this change, I noticed a change in some perceptions: being nice = being weak. This is why sometimes people got shocked that I declined certain approval requests. With kindness, still - it was a no. Wow, Diana - the nice sweet manager said.. NO? Yes, no. With arguments (I am a person of numbers, statistics and fairness, but that's another story).

I keep noticing so-self-called leaders and managers (in real management roles, unfortunately) that act based on fear, the others' fear. I am not a fan of such. In the end, it seems more of a fear of the person activating the fear in the others. Anyway, getting back to the main topic: Kindness triggers kindness. We can each do our job, have difficult discussions, address topics, express frustration, do 100 follow-ups but still with kindness. Raising voice or throwing offensive and/ or intimidating words, emotional manipulation or bullying work on short-term. But what about the relationship on long-term?

For me, being kind turned out to be a good decision each time I chose it. Beside isolated short situations, kindness tempers the energy of the discussion. And you end up keeping a decent, if not nice relationship afterwards. People with whom you are involved in a longer term (professional) relationship, will learn fast the "rules of the game" and that no matter the topic, there is always a choice of addressing it in a calm, kind way. In the end, disagreement on a topic doesn't have to translate to being enemies.

I was once stopped by a policeman. I broke a rule. I was in a hurry, yes, I broke the rule but I did not see it severe at that time as I had other priorities in my mind. Having the police stop me meant delay, which brought me extra stress. I wasn't in a "zen" state anymore. The policeman was so kind to me, while stating the facts and impact, that it made me feel worse than if he would have judged and yelled at me. I instantly felt like answering kind back. Instead of fighting that there are worse events happening on streets than what he was "hunting" me for, which were my initial thoughts. I wondered afterwards if it was a training he took or was it just his way of being? He was an example for me.

When you are kind, statistics show that the others tend to lower their voice, calm down, respond kinder back. Of course, there will be exceptions. But why not give it a try and check statistics on your own?

My bottom line: Be kind. No matter what. Even if the others are in a hot fight and want to drag you into it - keep your chill, take a break if needed, but be kind.

Try it at least once. Send me a message letting me know how it was ;) And do a check after a while if the relationship didn't actually remain nicer.