How do you overcome common myths and misconceptions about stress and conflict resolution?

It’s a great point. I’m an advocate of losing the ideas of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and instead replacing them with the Buddhist concept of skillful or unskillful. ie I’m feeling this way, what is the most skillful response. Stress is often short lived when we respond skilfully to the situation.

Stress is neither good nor bad.Stress is merely a messenger, inviting you to change something about your situation. Problems arise when the message is ignored, they tend to be exacerbated by trying to think of solutions instead of sinking into the feelings to get to the root of what's going on.

That's exactly the point I try to make with my clients. We need some stress to drive us; this is called challenge stress. It makes us meet deadlines, be punctual, and helps us to work towards our goals. However, if that stress builds up in your 'stress bucket' then it starts to become threat stress and this is the bad one - it triggers the fight-flight-freeze response and anxiety kicks in. Stress really has had a bad rap but it's not all bad - the rational part of our brain loves a bit of healthy stress and actually we have a huge capacity for it.

Stress can happen for a reason, being that it should hopefully stop you from continuing what you are doing to create that stress. By "befriending" and getting to know your individual stress symptoms, you can learn your triggers and how to best cope with your stress before being confronted with burnout. So in a way, stress can be a helpful tool as it teaches us when to slow down. So in this case, not a bad thing just as long as you don't allow your stress to worsen towards becoming burnt out.

We evolved with stress. It was an important way to recognise if we were in a potentially dangerous situation and enabled us to take the appropriate action via the flight-flight or freeze response. And importantly it was a short-term strategy operating as an on-off switch. Today the difference is we are often dealing with multiple stressors that are chronic leaving the body in a hyper-alert state to the ever-present danger. This is what can cause harm. Changing your perspective about stress an recognising why and how it can be useful is an excellent way to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy stress and learning how to let go of those things you have no control or influence over.

I actually come down on a different side of this. I’ve found that sharing feelings only clouds conflict and often asks the other to take responsibility for how we feel. Conflict goes poorly when it’s you Vs me. The first step in skilful conflict is to align on what the problem and desired outcome is for both parties. Once this is agree it’s both or all working on the problem/challenge. You are no, often, on the same team.

An alternative may be to begin checking-in with your self. Ask questions; such as: How often do I find myself in these types of situations, & is there a common theme? Alternatively... Is what Iam experiencing true? Sounds peculiar, however this 2nd question allows engagement of right & left hemisphere function for better conflict resolution. Both check-in questions may help you gain a different perspective, allowing your reactions in turn to be different. Good & bad stress are a part of every day life. It is not a matter of being exposed to it, it is a matter of how we perceive its impact & how we 'choose' to respond. Depending on if a person has certain disorders, this line of approach may have to be tweaked.

Conflict is merely acknowledging you have a different perspective or opinion on a topic or event. Sometimes people will avoid conflict because they don't wish to appear negative or difficult or to start a fight. Conflict is healthy when it leads to a robust and candid conversation where neither side is seeking to be right or wrong. This can lead to healthy negotiation or compromise.

Conflict arises when something inside says "No" to something outside. It becomes corrosive if the "No" is not acknowledged. Avoiding external conflict often creates internal conflict. There is always a choice, but often that's what the mind doesn't want to engage with. The mind just wants to be right. Conflict is an opportunity to break through that tyranny.

This is a big one. “Feelings of shame, embarrassment, isolation…” these are threat (stress) synonyms, which is to say indictors that the stress is already in. The natural response to stress is to fight, flight or freeze. UNLESS a more skilful response has been practised and ingrained. Organisations should build systems into their daily practises to remove stress rather than wait and hope people will speak up when stressed, they rarely do.

One should also consider the Grit one learns in the face of stress as described by Angela Duckworth. Adverse Childhood Experiences quickly weaken the stress bridge Hans Seyle described to mitigate stress. However, later in life, Grit is strengthened by drawing upon the resiliency one learned in the adverse experiences in childhood. Whatever we learn the first 12 years of life is the hardest to change, but we can change and adapt and grow despite adversity and obtain Joy, as I describe in my book Joy On The Same Page.

If you are human with a heartbeat, you will experience stress and conflict. Saying this is a personal problem is nonsense. Stress and conflict can cause problems if the person hasn't developed the emotional skills and regulation to handle them most effectively. This is where self-awareness and asking for help come to the fore, knowing that we all can feel shame or embarrassment.

Spot on - it's not the events in your life that cause stress but it's the way you think about it. If you think negatively and ruminate on those thoughts it leads to anxiety and depression. If you expect your 'stress bucket' to be empty all of the time I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you - that's not the way it works. The key is to take the challenges of life and have limited stress so that you can stay rational enough to deal with those challenges.

Expectation of uncertainty and misalignment is a great place to come from. That way processes can be designed for when they do arise… if this, then that.

Stress and conflict are not the issue, it's how we interpret and think about them. Rather than seeking to eliminate something that cannot be (and would be unhelpful not to have) try staying curious to why certain stressors can trigger you and how you can reframe your response.

So often I see the cultivation of positive mind-set as the solution to problems of all kinds. That's the cart before the horse. The problems have to be embraced, consciously, for good or ill. That way you are empowered because you've chosen a path rather than play victim. Accepting the consequences builds resilience and that generates a positive life expression that is not mind-dependent.

Stop thinking and start feeling. Your feelings tell you everything about how you're doing in life. But your feelings are not your emotions, and learning the difference takes time, trust and courage. It will take you on a journey beyond what you could imagine [think of] and create a life with meaning; one worth living.

Stress can be a learning experience and testing of your diplomatic skills. However prolong stress in great intensity can damage your health. Stress management and skills such as flexibility of the mind, yoga, meditation, exercises can help manage stress better.

We tend to look at stress as something that needs to be managed rather than seeing it for the gift it is to help you step up to a new challenge, to be best prepared for sitting that exam and motivating you to want to do well.