Butt out

AS OF APRIL 2, the wise City of Ottawa has chosen to implement changes to local bylaws to provide more of what they are calling “smoke-free spaces.” These changes have made it so no one can smoke a cigarette on any outdoor municipal properties (parks, beaches, sports fields), the ByWard or Parkdale Market stands, and on any outdoor restaurant or bar patios. The changes are part of a “strategy that is designed to protect children and non-smokers from second-hand smoke.”

This is just asinine. It’s a decision that could have only been made by a room full of clipboard-wielding beigeists. The types of people that sit in their taupe-coloured offices writing strongly worded emails to the HR department about missing pens. You know them, the offensively dull. Congratulations, you’ve truly outdone yourselves this time.

I don’t care how many letters you add onto the end of your name, second-hand smoke is not a significant health hazard in the realm of urban air pollution. None of the published studies are founded in good science. It’s fantastic politics, certainly, but scientifically, none of it adds up. If these proposed areas are supposed to be truly smoke-free, then what is it that’s pouring out of the delivery truck idling away beside me?

People have been able to effectively extinguish lives with vehicle exhaust in a single evening, yet I’ve seen not one graphic warning sticker plastered across a Civic. Quit dressing up second-hand smoke as a health concern—it’s a fancy way of simply saying it bothers you.

Legislating against something you find irritating is ridiculous. How long before we can’t have drinks on a patio because drinking could lead to noise, and that cannot be tolerated after 7 p.m.? Politicians seem to be doing their damnedest to legislate the living out of life.

Enjoying a cigarette does not make you a criminal. There is no need to form a “strategy” to “protect” people. The military, financial investors, and chess players are people who use strategies to protect. Don’t offer that language up to the general public—it’s far too volatile for a population plagued with boredom. Bored people love a conflict. It gives them a purpose, a mission they wish to accomplish.

Instead of banning smoking, why not deal with the boredom. Invest in the culture. Then people will have something to talk about while in the parks, markets, and patios. Add a little value to our survival instead of dwelling on our eminent demise.

If nothing else, I’ll close with words from my favourite smoker, Fran Lebowitz, who said, “If you’re a smoker, when you’re smoking, no matter how boring it is at least you’re smoking.”

—Kyle Hansford